Loyalty. That's all I have ever asked for.
To be fair, I have never been an easy person to be friends with. I have a difficulty with people, with human contact, with friendship. I suppose I put up a front of over-self-confidence, vanity, superiority, sarcasm, and insanity so that people will stay away from my insides, as confused and misunderstood as they are. The ruder I am, the more in control I am of myself, when it paradoxically isn't true. But, what can I do? Change is one of the many things I fear.
"I hate people." It's something I often say, but it isn't true. Not really. They annoy me often, sure, but that's because, being so dependent of logic and rationale, they will do things that, to me, don't make sense.
In truth, people fascinate me.
People terrify me.
I still can't look people in the eye for prolonged periods of time. I stare at their mouth. So far, not many have seemed to notice.
The human race is only created to then die. And we are fully aware of this. One day, we are all going to die. You may squabble and try to identify the 'meaning of it all', but I've had this figured out. The meaning of life is death. What confuses me, then, is why we then reach out, why we still insist on relationships.
It's because we want to make sure everyone knows it when we do die. We all want to leave a footprint. It just so happens that some leave a deeper one than others. But we all leave a footprint. We all touch someone, even if indirectly.
So then, considering all this, I have always been very picky of who I choose to be friends with. The insanity I play is not like the insanity I have inside, but that's a different story. I play strange, odd, insane as a sort of test. If you can love a nut job, then you can love me. That is my logic. That way, I can be sure that the people I choose as friends, after all my secret mind-game tests, are people worth being friends with. Therefore, it is not only a blow to my ego, but a very maddening process when one of these friends have been lost.
Loyalty is the only thing I ask for in a friend. It's the most important quality one as a human being can possess.
Usually, when I lose friends, it is in good part my fault. I have never been replaced simply because someone better has been found. I'm at loss. I'm confused. I'm hurt.
She's nicer than me, she's better with people. She was my friend first, too. Still, she is the one who replaces me. I pluck up the courage to ask why. Why am I no longer included? Why is it that the people who were closest to me are now distancing themselves from me? What did I do?
"Don't take it personally, we've just been planning this. It's not about you."
No response to this question could have hurt more.
And that's when I realized, it isn't about me. All the friends I have now are going to leave, they're going to go off to live the rest of their lives and I'm going to be left behind with a group of traitors and Allison. It hurts. Logically, however, this is the big picture. It was bound to happen. It's life. And yet, I'm still hurt. But, at least I can still hold on to a few people who still seem, at least, to show some interest and love for me.
Thank you Allison, Jonny, Tammy, Joe, and everyone else who still regards my friendship with at least an ounce of respect. I will hold you in my heart forever.
